What To Do When You Feel You Have Burned A Bridge With Someone

It happened one day, you said too much.  You wanted to take back everything you just said, but it was too late.  Everyone looked at you with a strange look of surprise, anger, and some even smirked.  You heard someone mumble, “He really did it this time!”  It’s what most of us fear, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.  How do you rebuild a broken relationship with a boss or co-worker?

Time may heal all wounds for many people, but you don’t have much time in the workplace.  The threat of being written up, suspended or dismissed, looms on the horizon.  You need to start mending fences now.  If you realize at that very moment what you did was wrong and apologized that was half the battle.  Just as everyone was there for the negative statements, they were also there for the sincere apology.  However, there is still more work to do.  The following suggestions will, at the very least, put you on the right path to mend fences; however, the ultimate decision to let you back into the heart of the offended rests with him or her.  

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1. Make the time to personally apologize if you haven’t already.  If it happened publicly, you may want to offer a public apology as well, but ask them first.  They may not want to be embarrassed a second time. (If they live out of town either call or write regarding your apology.)

2. Explain to them what you meant without looking as if you are justifying the statement or covering yourself.

3. Tell them that they have every right to be angry.

4. Offer to do something for them.  You may know this person well enough to invite them to dinner, participate in a chore, do them a favor, etc.

5. Follow up with them on a later date with flowers, candy or some other charming gift. (Don’t do this on a daily or weekly basis it loses its impact and you may be considered a nuisance.) 

6. Make a personal phone call just to see how they are doing.  Don’t mention the negative event if they don’t.  Make the conversation short and simple.

7. Talk about something from the past that affected both you and the offended positively.  This helps with opening the lines of communication back up again.

8. Remember he or she during the holidays or their children’s birthdays.  If you have acknowledged these dates in the past don’t stop, and if you haven’t ever don’t begin.  You don’t want any false assumptions made in either instance.

9. Don’t go around asking their co-workers, friends, family members, etc. about what they said about you.  It may be something that will anger you and as we all know “two wrongs don’t make it right.”

10. Allow he or she some space.  If you don’t typically talk to this person very often, don’t start.  If you don’t see him or her often, don’t make a point to keep showing up at their doorstep, workplace or somewhere else.  Allow time to heal.

Although the statement was offensive, you may not have felt there was anything wrong with what was said, avoid being insensitive around him or her and witnesses.  Some people will make the mistake of apologizing then tell a mutual friend how they really feel.  If your true feelings leak out to others, then the person you offended will know you were being insincere.  

Use the negative event to help you see where you went wrong.  If many people tell you that you need to stop making offensive comments, then you know you have a problem.  However, if everyone knows you are a great guy or gal and you didn’t mean anything negative about what you said, then just make a note to yourself that the offended person is someone you may have to watch what you say around.  Be careful spending time with he or she at social events, you don’t want to be misunderstood again and will have to repeat this process on rebuilding your relationship with him or her.

Nicholl McGuire is the author What Else Can I Do on the Internet?

8 Defenses People Will Use When They Don't Want You to be Right About Something

Some people you just don’t want to talk to anyone who can possibly improve their lives, because they think the following: they know everything and think their important. Others are just too stubborn or lazy to want to change so personal relationships fail, business endeavors sink, and bills fall behind.

Sometimes you don’t bother to talk to individuals like this simply because you know that if you do, it will end up being a conversation that sounds something like this, “I know that already…I don’t do that…I would never do that…I hear what you are saying, but we aren’t like that…” The “don’ts” and “nevers” are endless and so are the lies too! Basically what they are saying is, “Leave me alone and let me mess up!”

There is nothing wrong with allowing people to wallow in their messes, just so long as they aren’t expecting anyone to bail them out of situations they have caused, right? It’s okay to back off from giving them advice, just so long as they aren’t taking you to hell with them, right? Of course, but the problem with the “I never…” type is they get into trouble and then they try to get others on board to help them in sneaky ways. They may be a little nicer to family and friends or offer to do helpful things while hoping you have mercy on them.

When dealing with the “I can never do wrong” type, be prepared for what they might do if you should advise or question them about their obvious wrongdoings.

One. They will accuse you of acting jealous.

“You are just jealous…” how many times have we heard this one on just about every reality show on TV! A warning to someone about the scandalous way he or she is living is not someone acting jealous about the person’s lifestyle. If anything, it should be a red flag for the person to re-evaluate his or her negative actions. Instead, the fool makes a false accusation of jealousy. When someone is sincerely jealous of another, they usually aren’t interested in helping the person; rather he or she would encourage the person they are jealous of to keep on living foolishly until he or she falls flat on his or her face.

Two. They will act like they don’t care about the advice you are giving them.

“I don’t care…so what…” Well they may not act like they care, but you can almost guarantee that what you said affected them in some way, because why do they feel the need to tell you, “I don’t care?” We will see how much they care when things don’t turn out like they expected.

Three. They will call you a trouble-maker.

“You are just starting trouble!” Maybe in some ways you are if it means getting them out of a potentially disastrous or dangerous situation. However, the problem with the “trouble-maker accusation” is that it is a lie! The person being warned of a pending disaster is convincing his or her self that you are a liar, so he or she doesn’t have to do anything different with his or her actions. Will problems arise as a result of making right choices, maybe, but would this person rather go through the trial to get to peace or stay in the trial?

Four. They will accuse you of not knowing what it is that you are talking about.

“You don’t know what you are talking about! I know someone who has a degree in…and they told me…” None of this matters when this person has got his or her self in a bit of trouble that they have yet to get out of, now does it? If they knew so many professionals, then why didn’t they take their advice? Why is it that it has taken them so long to fix their own problems? No one needs a degree in making mistakes; therefore, learning from them and then advising others. So that argument of “who I know and what you don’t know” is invalid.

Five. They will find faults with you.

“Well what about you? Didn’t you use to do that too?” Bringing up the past is the best that they can do at this point, because they refuse to listen to advice that is so cutting they wish they had never met you. So, out of their mouths comes, hurtful remarks about what they know concerning you; rather than looking inward and making changes. You can always reverse this argument on them and include your personal testimony, “I made my bed, got out of it, now what about you?”

Six. They will go back and tell the person what you said.

This is a good way to rally up support for wrong-doing from the hard-headed. Get others on their team that is in the same mess. Even worse, you might mention a relative or friend, who is also messing up their lives, and the person you are advising will go back and tell that person too. “I told my friend what you said and she told me that you were stupid.” Everyone has a right to their opinion even if what they say is stupid! This is yet another attempt to attack your credibility, because the baby who refuses to become an adult has hurt feelings. Not only that, the people, who he or she is reporting back to are most likely in the group of the blind leading the blind.

Seven. They will call you names including a liar.

One of the quickest ways to shut a person down who means well, is to call him or her a bunch of names and that is what our “I can do no wrong” person will do when he or she refuses to change his or her evil ways. “That’s not true! You are a liar!” When the truth hurts someone who you are trying to help, they will attempt to hurt you with a lie.

Eight. They will warn others about you.

“I told my friend not to come around you because you are crazy.” When someone is upset with you about what they are or aren’t doing to better themselves, then they don’t want you to talk to others. They do this because they fear what you might say to others about them, so they attempt to get to others before you get to them first. This way, other people can already formulate a negative opinion about you before you get a chance to talk to them. They also fear that others will change for the better and leave them behind.

When you are speaking to that hard-headed daughter or son, a stubborn spouse or partner, or a self-righteous sibling or friend, understand that they may use any or all of these tactics whenever you speak truth into their lives. For example, you may be speaking to them about a certain false religion, a bad business opportunity, a destructive habit or a quack doctor, and this person may give you grief about what you are saying using any one of the different points previously discussed. Don’t worry about the person you are trying to help, you said all there is to say, so move on!

Find others both online and offline who will gladly take your words of wisdom and do something with them. Hopefully, if you have tried to talk to this person in a respectful way, he or she may come to you for information in the future; otherwise don’t hold your breath, keep it moving!

By Nicholl McGuire